60 above zero: Huntsvillians turn on the heat. People in Pennsylvania plant gardens.

50 above zero: Californians shiver uncontrollably. People in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania sunbathe.

40 above zero: Italian & English cars won't start. People in Pennsylvania drive with the windows down.

32 above zero: Distilled water freezes. The water in the Susquehanna River gets thicker.

20 above zero: Huntsvillians put on coats, thermal underwear, gloves, and wool hats. People in Pennsylvania throw on a flannel shirt.

15 above zero: Virginia landlords finally turn up the heat. People in Pennsylvania have the last cookout before it gets cold.

Zero: People in Huntsville all die. Pennsylvanians close the windows.

10 below zero: Californians fly away to Mexico. People in Pennsylvania get out their winter coats.

25 below zero: Hollywood disintegrates. The Girl Scouts in Pennsylvania are selling cookies door to door.

40 below zero: Washington, DC runs out of hot air. People in Pennsylvania let the dogs sleep indoors.

100 below zero: Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Pennsylvanians get frustrated because they can't start the Mini-Van.

460 below zero: ALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero on the Kelvin scale.) People in Pennsylvania start saying..."Cold 'nuff fer ya?"

500 below zero: Hell freezes over. Janet's Sunday morning marathon training run in Pittsburgh is canceled.